I remember one evening right before dinner when my mother told me I should go on a diet. I stood there with tears in my eyes, feeling so embarrassed about the body I thought I was allowed to love and I had never felt more hungry for a sign that I was enough. And with everything I did after that, I felt like the word ‘worthless’ came crawling out of my skin just to show others I was aware of it so they wouldn’t have to make a comment about it that I probably couldn’t have handled. It became a war against myself and after all these years it still isn’t over. I’m not even close.
And one time when my grandma was sick, my brother and I visited her in the hospital and she took my hand and asked if we lived in this neighbourhood or somewhere close because she saw us so often and we looked at each other and laughed even though those words hit me pretty hard in the face and I could see tears in my grandpa’s eyes before he slowly turned around. I think that was the moment he realised he lost the love of his life and she wasn’t coming back.
And one morning when my brother was screaming so hard at my mom it felt like the house was shaking, she decided to lock him up hoping he would calm down and he smashed the window into tiny little pieces and my sister and I didn’t know where to look and my mom begged us to keep quiet about it at school. I didn’t understand what was going on and I mentioned it to the girls on the swingset, but only now do I realise how embarrassed my mom was and how hopeless she felt and I wish I had understood before. Because I think he broke her a little more every time after."
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I really wish everything was easier for you. You deserve recovery and I think that’s what you have to try to keep in mind. I know it’s a long time to wait, but I definitely believe it’s worth it. You’ve been helping yourself through this for so long now and I know that you can keep going. You are going to get help and you won’t have to do all of this on your own anymore. You have been so strong for so long. I know you can do this. I wish you all the best, love. Take good care of yourself.
But the truth is, I’ve never
wanted to be like this.
I think I lost myself in the nights
I was looking for you.
And you never showed up.
I just ended up a little emptier,
a little more broken every time.
I think I got used to the sound
of breaking bones.
But it never got any lighter.
It never got any easier to bear.
I’m so frustrated, because there is so much I want to say and nothing comes out and I’m just sitting here writing incredibly shitty things and I really want to scream and punch myself in the face right now
You’re so sweet! Thank you so much! I hope you’re doing well c: